noone goes home whistling the lights
Studio thoughts. Its quiet in here, just head down thinking.
A really good tutorial with Liz, my focus is now to think about what has driven me to study again.
What is my Why, so using the skills I employ when mentoring others I thought, I should try it on myself.
Q: Why is it so important to finish your degree now?
A: If I finish my degree I will buy myself time to be creative, have explorations and break down, discover and build up the creative passion that has been lost in the mix, through avoidance or not recognising my true potential, not feeling supported or that I was looking to others for recognition, not feeling heard or seen adn equating that to being a failed artist, by deviating into producing others and over compensating for feeling like I never met my true calling as I always moved of the path
Because I couldn't justify the loss of income as an artist at the time, or felt judged by then trusted people who knocked the fragile confidence
Why? Because I hid it under a bush and avoided it if someone thought my creativity was enjoyable to them
Why ?Because I didn't create it for them, or for others,
Why :?- Because to create and put it out there when there was money or people investing in me, i believed I would not meet their expectations. And I belive others expectations mattered and I got stuck in a hole.
Why? because I didn't believe in myself
Because If I don/t jump of the cliff, I wont know if can fly and I will keep repeating old habits of being safe in my thought process, where I am not being who I truly am destined to be, to raise my own expectations of myself and start to believe in myself for who I truly am, not who I have become - starting to explore, respond and not produce.
. If not now then when, the leverage is too long, the creativity the longer I leave it becomes even more entrenched in serving others and hiding my creativity away.
Because it is time. Because time doesn't bend, because if I stay in my head too much and not feel or think I will become one dimensional and this is a safe place.
Because it's where I hide in the dark and express myself through spreadsheets instead of drawing paper, where a festival site plan is the new map, where creating the site is my new stage, where audience are the players. I have become functional, but not soulful.
I have become hardened, and suspicious. I have mastered nothing that sings my heart song, I am an expert but it doesn't matter. its a way to form bad patterns of behaviour.
Why is it important now?
Because I need to break the patterns that no longer serve me, I need to come back to me, and find discomfort, to remember what fearlessness was like, even slightly and remember that no one is judging and that to trust myself and listen to my instinct and actions is the new way to progress.
Why ?Because if I dont then I end up angry, sad adn unfulfilled.
Why because I am not truly being myself..
Why? Because I havent let myself see that
Why? Because I have been frightened that I would fail
Why ? Because I have placed too much emphasis and endured too much unkindness that has led me to believe I am worthless
Why has that changed?
Because if I don't commit to myself and my creativity and find out I will never know and never challenge the universe to say I am ready.?
Because it was time to Jump off the cliff.