October 1 part 2 Oct 01, 2021

The rehashed version of the one that got stolen by the button

So, In the beginning, there was this girl born in Walsall, moving to Cornwall and then to Essex by the age of five. Transients has always been in my blood, my fathers side descent from Irish travelling community although it was a century before he was born when they came over from Ireland, and in researching they also travelled around a bit before settling in Staffordshire and later West Bromwich.

My parents met at a party, my Dad was the first to University in his family, he went to school with what would later be the heart of the West Midlands rock scene and my my moms first boyfriend was a guy, although I am never sure which one from The Move. Dad, studied Geography which he shared with us at various points instilling the love for nature and landscape, both built and natural.

Both were and are independent souls and they instilled the sense of creativity, travel and culture throughout our upbringing, taking us to folk festival and cultural sites, rather than holiday parks, dragging us on coach tours to Italy and always encouraging us to be who we wanted ( within reason of course) they weren't unconventional, my Dad was a forward thinker in Education and until his passing remained passionate about developing young people and their ability to achieve regardless of circumstance. In a sense he has a lot to do with the identity I have adopted, the love of music led me to tour, the love of passing on skills,  to be an  educator, inspiring freedom of thought allowing people to think outside the box whatever their circumstance.

 I have been bought up with a boundary of fearlessness, both parents are two sides of the seesaw, one safer than the other in their risk taking, my sister and I equally spilt down the middle, never being afraid to try, learning some lessons on the way, and in life terms there have been highs and lows, hard and easy times, but overall, it has given me the resilience to persevere, although not always in balance and the unfaltering belief that life is short and if you cant do something its fate telling you to try.

So from these early recollections of the family dynamic this I can ascertain :
I am a little bit of an outsider: always travelling the road less travelled and not really understanding the word No but being ever fearful of it. A juxtaposition indeed, a safe rebel if there was ever one.

Independent :- manifests its self as self  reliant, probably seen by others as loner or focused or both at times.

It serves me as it has given me the independence to be creative, to have a career that would not have seemed possible, to challenge the norms.The negative of this is that i am so so self reliant that I isolate myself, ita mad me a very strategic, long term thinker. This however is a negative as it stops me living in-the present as I have already moved onto tomorrow.

Act on this : Live in the present. Plan what you need but don't stifle creativity. Learn new things and be open that things will be the way they will.

Inspiring and Aspiring character: I like to be the best I can, not competitively, I want the things I do to be worn out with ensuring that they are the best they can be at that time, that they have an authenticity and integrity of coming from the right place, wherever that place may be.

Focus on my own creativity - inspire myself and be authentic in my questioning.

Fearless - but like I said at he top, fearful at the same time, maybe wreck-less, I cant work out if this was a reaction to some teenage trauma or that I feel safer in fearlessness, nothing is ever a mistake just an opportunity to learn... cliche cliche..

Moving forward I have realised that this is simply quite knackering, that having fear doesn't necessarily make you stagnant, that consideration and thought slows the system to be the right thing at the right time, rather than forcing the moment.  That everything in balance finds a place and balanced is not something that until recently I have bought into my world. I just think I can have it all, but recognise in having it all, I am short changing myself because I lose my focus and actually spread life too thinly.  

The striving to always be the best, has been out of balance, secretly I know that in letting go of the fear of not being good enough, of being second as I would say that I would identify as a victim in several situations - my coping strategy has been to keep pushing harder, it comes across as direct and at times fiesty and definitely unflinching and while this has some benefits in a balanced situation and around the right people it has led to other social constructs of identity, which I have played on to protect he inner identity in writing this I can see that actually I am denying the opportunity to be true to my self, through defensive actions mistaken as I am in a sheer panic inside!

Focus on slowing down and finding the natural rhythm, it will come, don't fear and if it doesn't it wasn't meant to.
Lots to think about. Still have to get the blog sorted, it's now showing everything from the previous days. Might leave it for tonight. Practice the newly recognised traits!! Rest, think, form the pecha kucha in my mind ready to nail in the morning.