It seems that the frustration has subsided and the barriers being overcome. It has been a day for crossing off the list of the other things that are in my life at the moment and a calming day when the future thoughts started to take shape and thats exciting. I finally got the pecha kucha off to Metal and then had meetings about Armed Forces Day and felt a sesne of achievment and calmness. Someone was kind enough to give us a pushchair for the girls to sleep in at Camp Bestival so like a child with a new toy I have felt very pleased about that. I think secretly I have a geeky fetish for pushchairs, not to the extent where i would buy a new one but theres something good about reusing older ones and making them our own. Maybe thats a metaphor for life, in my case, a returning to older things and reflecting on how it could eveolve into something different, to have be a new experience or new way of using something. My parents always said I was a hoarder, I have to agree, I do find it difficult to let things go until I have understood them.
This blog has been the hardest to actually get down onto the page. Time like everything has slipped away today, nothing has gone as expected and I have recognised a growing frustration for the amount of things that I pack into my life, and how trying to control and constrict them into specific time zones doesnt seem to be working for me at the moment.
I was reading a timely piece from a blog site called zen habits the other day. It said control is so unobtainable because it works against nature but as human beings it suits only reassure and provide order which may or may not be adhered to by the greater forces in the universe. I have to say I agree in part but my greater need to keep myself in some sort of sanity means that I cant be free and easy about how and when I do things as I would like. I noticed a creeping resentment coming in as I was trying to do tyhe things that should be important, like spending times with the kids when actually I was worried because I hadnt ordered the ings I needed to order in my timeline that runs consistently across my head.
This is a usual state of mind.
Sometimes things get in the way of the prioirities, ironically taken on in order to provide a better life for the prioirites. At that moment of realisation I went out had a cigarette and a swift word with myself. I always joke and hear myself saying its time to 'get out of the rat race' and for a short time today I did. I said no more work, talk and play with the children, let the frustration go.
Now they have gone to bed.
I know that it mattered to them that I had time and calmness and they got a piece of their moms time, something that i need to make sure happens with regularity. Juggling is great to look at but when you lose focus it all comes tumbling down all over the place.
I think I should probably start playing catch. One ball at a time.
So I have spent most of the day getting the images in a sesnsible order for the pecha kucha on Thursday night so it makes sense to me. The art to it is the flow I think mind you I havent actually done it yet so, I could have it totally wrong.
On the journey of camino, it has been a reflective on when putting the pecha kucha together it forces a degree of thoughts to past events and chapters in ones life, my life for ownership. The youthfulness and actually at the same time, certainly within the live production industry I am almost a pensioner, at the prime of what has been a life changing and unique experience.
I was talking to my friend Gary Coopers Burrows on the phone. We were discussing women in the industry, how when he lectures and women ask what are the barriers to getting there. He said "only what you have in your own head", I am not sure if it was like that when I started. I always wondered if I was a token girl, but actually in reality thats probably more to do with my own youthfulness and niavity but Its worth a thought.
Equality is better in the industry, although there is less of an old boys mentality anymore, and i guess the older women, or should that be longstanding rather have earned the respect. People like Helen Garrett, Es Devlin and myself have managed to juggle families and work making it a real possibility for women to be women and create their own shadows for people to look up to, clearing the way for women to be accepted for their talents and their hard work rather than be accused of sleeping their way in or building the egos of the artists because they are attractive and masculating themselves in the process to be twice as strong, twice as hard, twice as knowing.
Back then we had to take on the multiple roles of Lighting designer/ production manager/ Sound engineer/ Set designer/ backline tecnician / nursery nurse/ sister/ mom/ cleaner and all for the sake of their craft, just to be accepted for what they did better than the men they worked alongside. We were never really part of the boys club but we were never really not. It was a sit on the fence sort of time. Back then.
The question is how to encourage more women into the industry, allowing women to be proud of being women and their abilities, I need to use my skills and experience to be seen as a positive role model to younger women who want to forge a career in the live events industry. It has to start now.
So, this is my first blog, I always hand write in my journal so this is a new expereince for me.
This morning Emma Douglas and I have been on the beach.
Emma is a worldly woman, who doesn't suffer fools gladly and sees life in a sensitive yet blunt way if ever the two should mix, and she tells you about it.
We took a stroll down to the beach, for the first time with a friend, to talk through and explore the siting of the final installation piece.
The tides today are roughly the same as they ae going to be on the 18th and walking barefoot on the beach and mudline was actually quite a lovely experience. The mud is so silky before it gets cloggy under foot.
It seems like I am out of my comfort zone at the moment, challenging myslef by not taking the easier route for me by not using light as a projection and forcing myself to be more intuitive in the development of the piece on the day. Taking care to keep its integrity and its calmness. Putting into the piece what I hope will resonate from it as people participate, a special, sacred and natural space.
Prior to going to the beach, I started formalising the image for Pecha Kucha on Thursday - I still have a bit to go on that. Its quite hard to know what to talk about, without complying to the labels and expectations of what poeple come to hear and see about.. a work in progress.