This blog has been the hardest to actually get down onto the page. Time like everything has slipped away today, nothing has gone as expected and I have recognised a growing frustration for the amount of things that I pack into my life, and how trying to control and constrict them into specific time zones doesnt seem to be working for me at the moment.
I was reading a timely piece from a blog site called zen habits the other day. It said control is so unobtainable because it works against nature but as human beings it suits only reassure and provide order which may or may not be adhered to by the greater forces in the universe. I have to say I agree in part but my greater need to keep myself in some sort of sanity means that I cant be free and easy about how and when I do things as I would like. I noticed a creeping resentment coming in as I was trying to do tyhe things that should be important, like spending times with the kids when actually I was worried because I hadnt ordered the ings I needed to order in my timeline that runs consistently across my head.
This is a usual state of mind.
Sometimes things get in the way of the prioirities, ironically taken on in order to provide a better life for the prioirites. At that moment of realisation I went out had a cigarette and a swift word with myself. I always joke and hear myself saying its time to 'get out of the rat race' and for a short time today I did. I said no more work, talk and play with the children, let the frustration go.
Now they have gone to bed.
I know that it mattered to them that I had time and calmness and they got a piece of their moms time, something that i need to make sure happens with regularity. Juggling is great to look at but when you lose focus it all comes tumbling down all over the place.
I think I should probably start playing catch. One ball at a time.